Clover Lane

The more consistently parents employ Everyday Discipline (see last chapter), the less they will ever have to use Corrective Discipline!!!

-Corrective discipline works best when there is good rapport between parent and child

Reserve these techniques for serious problems when simple relational discipline fails-they withdrawal more "currency" for emotional bank account.

(remember this is just my brief outline/notes, the book goes into more explanation and uses real-life examples)

1. Cool-Down Time 

(For occasions when emotions are beginning to run high in discussion between parent and child.)

-Not "time-out"-it isn't something you do to a child to get him to calm down, the intention is to help both parent and child regain control of yourselves and come up with respectful solution.

-Measure emotional temperature on scale 1-10, 1 being heavy tranquilizers, 4 being you as read book, 10 being you scaling clock tower with AK-47 on back.  Anything over 6.5=INEFFECTIVE problem-solving.

-Interrupt discussion, take a break, (this is not a punishment!), regain composure, and return to solve problem when calm.

2. Time-Outs

(To calm child down enough for him/her to be taught what to do.)

-A time-out does nothing, NOTHING, to change behavior on its own.

-The point of time-out is NOT to punish, but to give them opportunity to calm down enough "for you to teach them what to do."

-Should be used sparingly.

Steps of Proper, Effective, Time-Out: 

1. Select a safe place with no distraction.

2. Begin only when the child is quiet and calm-no back-and-forth arguing.

3. Use a time (one minute per year of age).

4. Most important step-child must do FOUR things:

-Tell you what he did wrong.

-Give sincere apology.

-Tell you what he should have done instead.

-Role-play the situation.  (Act out what he should have done.)

+If child cannot do this, start again (one minute per year of child.)

(More explanation in book.)

3. Logical Consequences

(Teach a child what to do, instead of simple correction.  Logical consequences are a short-circuit to enforce compliance.)

-Word "consequence" means "with order".

-Don't think -'what can I do to him/her to make him never do this again?' but 'what must my child do to clean up the mess (literally and figuratively) and learn what to do instead?'

-Effective Christian parent-Love the child, leave him to experience and overcome sad consequences of behavior, and give him opportunity to try again.

-A logical consequence is not something parent adds on to "tech my kid a lesson" but what child must do to
a. correct the immediate effects of action or choice
b. learn what to do instead
c. practice virtue he was lacking in first place

Examples (lots more in book):
-child who breaks something must practice responsibility by be given a way to fix it, replace it, or work off debt.

-a child who talks back disrespectfully must practice respect by restating himself respectfully.

-a child who does not complete homework/chores must practice self-discipline by being given structure that teaches him to manage time (must be required to complete chores/homework before eating, sleeping, playing, going anywhere.)

-Remember discipline requires justice-doing no more and less to effect the change -make sure consequence makes sense and are fair.

Three steps to compliance:
1. Tell child what request, limit, rule is.  (See previous chapter for posting clear rules.)
2. Tell child what consequence for not obeying is.
3. Leave him alone.  If child doesn't comply, let the consequence do the talking.

(when behavior is resistant to change get to the heart of the problem)

-Children sometimes misbehave because they don't know how to get needs met, or most important wants.

-Child lacks the skills to do anything different-if don't have skill to complete homework, teach healthy study skills, or gets in fights-teach how to resolve conflicts etc.
(book contains worksheet-what is child "getting out" of their behavior-maybe attention of parents, etc.)



-Take time to talk and listen-ask solution-focused questions instead of problem-focused questions.  i.e.-"How many times have I told you..." vs. "What can I do to help you remember?  Let's come up with a plan."

"Why doesn't he ever listen/do his homework?"  vs. "What is different about the times he fulfills his responsibilites?  How can we take advantage of that difference to increase his compliance?"

-Parents are figuring out (by conversation and observation) what is at the heart of the problem-find possibilities for better behavior such as-"on the days Johnny behaves better he eats less sugar, gets a full eight hours of sleep, does his homework immediately after school and Mom and Dad as opposed to a sitter supervises all of this."  "kids fight less when we get one on one time with them during the week" etc.



-Authors not huge fan of star charts and reward based systems because they tend to cultivate a "what's in it for me" attitude.

-They can be a good way to "catch children being good"-do it to build a virtue instead of just a specific behavior.

-Let reward be special time with you rather than a toy or privilege.

-This is good for 3 reasons:
1. Gives parent opportunity to reinforce good behavior (5 to 1 ratio!)
2. Practices virtues.
3. Leads child to closer relationship with parent.

-Technique should be used rarely, last resort method, try everything else first, should not be used in a spiteful way, but a positive way to practice desired behavior, expends a large amount of emotional "dollars", but has powerful effect on behavior.  Most effective 10 and under, but could be used with younger teens.

-Uses example of a boy who refused to get ready in timely manner in morning in spite of all other methods.
Mom decides to practice on Saturday morning, using a timer, she knew from observation that he could get ready in 20 minutes on good days.  Told him they were going to have a "getting-ready-for-school practice." He had to do it four times in a row in 20 minutes to be successful.  She acted like an excited coach, not a mean drill sergeant.