Clover Lane

1. How you adore The Sound of Music soundtrack in the car and we've listened to it so many times we all want to hurl ourselves out of the doors into fast moving traffic.  Seriously, Patrick says, "Mom I can't do this anymore! My head hurts!"  Of course I let you listen when you are running errands with me during the day, and sometimes I look back and your mouth is in a perfect O as you are belting out the tunes. You know them all by heart and sing them around the house. I love when your little voice goes into the shaky church lady or opera singer mode.

2. All your faces and expressions. You have so many. No one but us gets to see this side of you as you are incredibly shy around anyone else.  But you are silly.  Dad often says you are the funniest of all the kids.  And your laugh is so so contagious. If Matt gets you going, you laugh so hard you can't catch your breath. No one in this world could keep a straight face when you laugh.

3.Your dancing skills are superb.  I am holding off as long as I can before I get you in a dance class but I know you will be in heaven. You love to dance.

4.Today as we left school after the geography bee you said, "I didn't get to see my Bubby!" You adore Patrick and he adores you back just as much.

5. How if someone asks you if you want more food or drink, you say, "I'm fine, I'm fine" like you are thirty years old and don't want another refill.  I have no idea where you got this but it makes me laugh every time.

6. Your incredible passionate love of babies. You notice them everywhere and can't take your eyes off of them. You put your hands together and say "tiny tiny baby" when you see a newborn. You play with your babies all the time, wrapping them up and shushing them and bouncing them-you have the mom bounce down already and you are only three! I wonder what God's plan is with this, seeing that you would just die and go to heaven if you could experience a baby sibling. I ask you how many babies you will have when you are a mommy and you say fourteen. Maybe that's the plan.

7. You love clothes but you hate having your hair washed, combed, brushed, done in any way. A bow or rubber band never lasts more than one hour.

You are such a joy to have around and your "three" can't be cuter. I try not to think of you turning four next year, because I know that at that age you will be more kid than toddler, and when I think of that it feels like my breath gets knocked out of me.  How fast time flies!

I have been asked to answer questions on this topic so much this year, that I thought I should just write out my thoughts all at once and before my memory leaves me.

I remember being so concerned also, each time I was pregnant, (yes even with my sixth), about how the "baby" of the family would adjust. (The last three times it hasn't been a baby adjusting but a older toddler/preschooler-two times before that I had more of a "baby" that had to get used to a new sibling.)

First I think during the later months of pregnancy, our minds can get anxious so easily.  A new baby seems overwhelming, and if we know what we are in store for during the first couple months, we tend to think, "I can't do this!"  I always have to remind myself-I will not be nine months pregnant AND have a newborn!  Yes, I will still be tired but for different reasons. I won't be roly poly, I will be able to move around again in a normal way, and I will be able to eat and breathe much better. (I won't add sleep to that list! :)  I will be able to tie those little toddler shoes, and pick up all the gear off the floor. I will be able to take stroller walks and just physically function better.

Second, we feel a loss-we know our baby-whoever he or she is at the time-won't be the baby anymore.  In this post I wrote about the world rearranging itself and what an awesome thing that is. Once you have more than one, and this is another thing that we always forget going into those final months, (I swear this is the devil at work trying to make us doubt ourselves and our mothering capabilities) is that our hearts WILL grow.  I always think of the line from The Grinch about his "heart growing two sizes that day." It's a miraculous thing, this growth, but our hearts make room for more love and we bond with this new baby just like we did with the ones that came before him or her. It is easy to dwell on our older "baby" losing his/her glorious crown of babyhood before the newest baby is born, but then magically our hearts grow.  But I still cried at least once in that last month knowing that the "baby" wouldn't be my baby anymore-it almost feels like a special bond is broken a little.

And yes there will be an adjustment time-that rearrangement to make room for a whole new life-sometimes it's right away, but I always found it to be about three months in for me-maybe just a little more whiny or fussy or older siblings squabbling a bit more. But it will pass. Go on as usual, discipline as you usually do, don't panic. They want to know everything else will be the same-they just have to grow a little and sometimes that takes growing pains.

I think some great advice is to call the baby "our baby" all the time, even during pregnancy. Don't expect jealousy. Compliment them and let them hear you say to others as often as you can about how great they are with the baby. Teach them about being gentle and soft and don't tolerate any roughness at all, but correct it calmly and quickly and firmly or it will become a trigger point for attention if too much attention is given for it. Show them how much the baby loves them. (Look she's kicking because she heard your voice, she thinks you are awesome already!)

I also think it's important to try to spend time one-on-one again, but I also think that it sometimes more pressure when we moms are already feeling overwhelmed. I know with our last three who were fussier, I just couldn't do that as much as I would have liked, it was truly impossible.  But even just the littlest thing makes a difference-reading a book while nursing maybe if possible, or asking questions and having a conversation, or just letting them know you are watching them (even if you are sleeping with your eyes open), etc.

I think we have to be careful to also remember our attitude towards what we have heard so much about-this sibling jealousy, sibling rivalry.  If we expect it, if we watch for it, if we give this look of pity towards our older children, wouldn't it make sense that they think they have something to be pitied for?  They are so sensitive towards our attitudes and our emotions, it comes off of us like infrared waves. And they hear and see everything!

Here is a better way to explain what I am saying.  Every mother knows that if their toddler wipes out, chances are they will get up and dust off and be fine, except when they hear that dreaded gasp from others, especially mom or dad.  If we gasp, rush over, and "poor baby" that fall, they will bawl.  If we pretend not to see it, or respond matter-of-factly with an "Oospy Daisy, you're ok, go get that ball!" and squash our gasp, all is miraculously almost always fine.  They look TO US for a sign of their capability, to see what emotion they should show, to gauge how they should react.

I remember hearing this beautiful piece of wisdom somewhere along my parenting journey and it was Godsend to me and I've found it to be incredibly true:

A sibling is the GREATEST GIFT you can give your child. It is nothing to feel guilty for, it is nothing to feel doubtful of. The children will become more independent because they will have to be (and this is good, as they learn to do things themselves and we are most certainly doing things for them that we had no idea they could do, they grow incredibly-this is the root of self-esteem!), they will have someone to share time and attention with, they will have a playmate, (maybe not right away but quick enough), they will have someone to entertain, and someone to be entertained by. They will learn they are not the center of the universe (and yes there are other ways to teach this for sure, but this takes NO effort whatsoever when you add more and more children-it is just checked off "things I don't need to worry about", an added benefit!)  They will learn by watching how to care for a baby-the time and love and attention and work it brings but also the incredible joy and they will take that with them into their parenthood. It is an incredible gift we are lucky to be able to give to them. This perspective helps so much alleviate many worries and anxiety for us and gives a growing family a beautiful attitude towards new life.

I read this cute little book a month ago and I turned down a page and wanted to remember some things I gleaned from Clara's wisdom-

"We didn't have money like kids do today. We didn't get everything we wanted , so when we had a treat, it was really special."  She went on to talk about how a nickel would buy her some ice cream or another treat and how she looked forward to that all week (her parents gave her a nickel to spend on Sunday after they cleaned the house on Saturday.)

I read this book around Halloween time and I thought back to my Halloween and how much less of a super duper holiday it was-we lived on a small street and would come with maybe a dozen treats, and it was pure heaven.  A few times I'd be so excited for that darn candy and the whole trick-or-treat event, I would get sick with anticipation.  At school I don't remember dressing up (maybe we did?) and I don't remember any Halloween parties or bags of treats handed out at school, if we did get something, it was something very small like a cookie or a cupcake.  I never remember a store bought costume (did stores have costumes? there certainly weren't Halloween stores) and my mom helped us put together something when we were young, and then we did on our own as we capable.

And then I compared that to what my kids experience now and thought about the crazy "overdoing it" culture that exists today.  By the time the holiday comes, some kids are worn out-from parties, from candy, from treats, from "specials".  I've heard of some kids who don't even want to trick-or-treat-a treat isn't special anymore, they can have it anytime they want, and it's nothing to look forward to.

I was laughing with a friend the other day-what happened to just a birthday party at home with cake???  Gosh I remember those!  Not hundreds spent on some grand event or destination-but just a simple party with cake and icecream. Or kids who open so many gifts at Christmas, it becomes almost a chore. How sad! To have so much, that nothing is special anymore. If we start out big, what will ever be good enough?  If we ruin the little special things, what will ever be left to look forward to? It's a terrible disservice in way-to rob a child of anticipation, excitement, gratitude at such a young age-that is what makes childhood special isn't it? The only way to keep that anticipation, excitement and gratitude today is to give less, and make special events "special" by experiencing them rarely. The more a child has given to him, the less it all means.

I've noticed the kids that are the most fun to be around, possess a certain joy for the simple things in life, and in return are a joy to be around. And what a precious gift that is-to have children who are a joy for everyone to be around!  And I've realized that in our crazy culture today, I have to be conscious of my desire to keep the "special" in life-it is definitely swimming against the tide and it is sometimes impossible to do.  But I want so much for my children to have that gift, because really it's the most precious gift of all-unable to be purchased-unable to be given at any other time in life, and forms such wonderful character traits.

I finally had a chance to go listen to a speech I've been trying to get to for years.  It is by a priest that has worked most of his life (I think 40 years now?) at a local all boys Catholic high school.  It was EXCELLENT.  So many good thoughts, with funny stories too for many of the points.  He was gentle and loved his job, and loved helping parents understand their sons. The subject was "Transitioning Adolescent Boys Into Extraordinary Men".

Here are my notes, a little scattered, but things I want to remember:

Teens these days have:
Too Much Stuff
Too Many Choices
Too Much Information
Too Fast

Brain development: Teenage boys have "hardware but no software".  In brain-prefrontal cortex is underdeveloped until early 20's. This is what helps to make good judgments.  This is why we will often hear, "I don't know why I did it.  It was stupid, I shouldn't have, but I just did without thinking about it."

When they are alone, their tolerance for risk is the same as adults, but when they are with friends their tolerance for risk is twice as much-this is from brain studies!

So what do we do?

We provide structure.
We give freedom WITH limits.
We help "be" the pre-frontal cortex.
We are the brakes.
We teach teach teach---lessons of integrity all the time.
Guide the transition out of selfishness-how do actions effect others around us.
Guide journey to manhood.
Be parents not friends.
Set clear standards.
Articulate consequences (not outrageous ones but ones that fit the "crime") and follow through.
Be consistent.
Love him but not all that he does.
Allow freedom and separation.
Don't take it personally.
Don't ever say, "My kid would never do that."  Yes, he would.  ALL kids makes mistakes, all of them.  Smart good kids do stupid things.  ALL of them.
Forgive but it does not mean no consequences.

He will disappoint you but not deliberately.

Keep a plumb line for him-teens swing into polarities-we need to teach the middle.

Parents are heroes-they need to give lifelong love.

How God dealt with Old Testament's message is geared towards infancy/children in a way-reward/punishment/this is what I say/do it.

Jesus in New Testament not reward and punishment but teaching what's right through words and examples, guidance and leadership, Jesus was always asking questions, this style fits teens.

Teen boys needs ritual and initiation and ceremony provided by parents and church, if not it will be provided by peers (gangs). ie.-Confirmation, becoming upper classmen, annual trips with fathers etc.

Overprotecting could be safer now but not in long run-they need to develop an immune system to build character and resilience-be exposed to bugs and viruses in a way, to face consequences of life. Success is working through problems and difficulties.

Don't be overprotective, give gradual freedom. Just punishment can't stop behavior, must learn from us, natural consequences and why. Take an interest in friends, and pray, pray, pray.

Every child needs a mother and a father. Divorce is hardest on children-when there is shared custody there is no consistency in the home-two people who can't get along are now raising children two different ways with two different sets of rules, teens need consistency more than ever.

A mother and a father are essential in a child's life.  Both model different things, both give children different things that they must have.  This is the ideal and should be upheld for the sake of the child.

A father must be active and present in a child's life daily.

Statistics for boy's without their fathers: (I wrote these down quickly, don't know if I have them totally right).
71%  of dropouts
90% of men in prison
90% of runaways
63% of suicides
75% of drug and alcohol addicts
72% of murders
60% of rapists

A mother nurtures, comforts.  Dad's supply the adventure, the model, the identity and walks with him through the journey to manhood.  Dad's-tell your sons you love them, every son wants to hear it. They must know your love is unconditional.

Love him and enjoy his adolescence with him.  Remember your own experiences, and have faith in God, and faith in the foundation that you have given your son.

Remember Romans 8:28
"All things work together for good to those who love God, who have been called according to his purpose."