Thank you for all your kind words. I appreciate them so much. I am slowly gaining my footing in this new world that I find myself in, but there are times when I feel little confidence and fear can overcome me. But when I look back and I see how far I have come from the beginning of being completely broken I know I am moving forward.
There is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes we overlook the most basic things. I have so so much to be grateful for and that has always been the way out of my grief even if the cloud in front of me was so thick it didn't seem like it was working. A friend who had the same experiences as I did all at once (yes, isn't that crazy? I was her nanny a long time ago!) said if you do anything write down 5 things you are grateful for every day even if they are the same things again and again.
In the context that women around the world are experiencing the pain I have walked through but have circumstances that make it much worse-no parental love-that complete trust that seems like the only trust you have left, no friends that endlessly supported me, maybe not even shelter and food, I could see the things I needed to be grateful for. If I looked at the other end-all the other people who didn't have to suffer like I did-I would plummet down. When I saw people living their lives without fear and pain and stress, or hair! :), I would be met with so much anger and such deep anxiety and depression.
There is a gift in loss. I don't want to accept it still-I loved feeling so naive and trusting and light about life and so sure that there is just common decency and kindness that is owed one another, I miss that with every fiber of my being. So much has been taken from me, so cruelly. But there is a sense of knowing that you can walk through the fire and still come out the other side, that you carry a wisdom of suffering that settles the soul and creates deep empathy and perspective, that I have to think will benefit me and those like my friend who guided me through the worst days, can benefit others.
Let This Darkness Be A Bell Tower
ReplyDeleteby Rainer Maria Rilke
Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,
what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.
In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.
And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.
I have had circumstances in my life in the past few years which have caused me such despair. I was so sad, but kept a brave face in public knowing that I was just a breath away from breaking down and crying. It made me wonder how many others were feeling that way too. How many of us were just putting on a brave face while silently enduring our own pain. Things are getting better for me but I still think about those around me. I don't think I was unkind before, but my goodness I give people a lot more grace when they are rude or crabby because I don't know what everyone around me is dealing with at any given moment. I don't wish pain on anyone, but it does change us hopefully for the better.
ReplyDeleteWalking through a valley, the likes of which most never see, will give such compassion for the world around. I realize now that what we see is not always what is really going on, and we need to be kind and tender to one another, assuming the best. Hugs and prayers! You are surely inspiring others!
ReplyDeleteSomething I read recently - "Treat all you meet as if they were going through some great trouble. Most of the time, they are."
ReplyDeleteBut then, if no one goes through any pain, what would Jesus Christ's atonement do for anyone? Nor would we be worthy of life with Him, if we never went through terrible times. We face our trials and don't give up, because we know that Eternity will bring us great joy with our loved ones and with Christ. I feel for you.
I admire you so much to have gone through what you have.
ReplyDeleteI'm just catching up, and Sarah, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine your sense of betrayal and pain, so I will just pray for you and your children, and your husband. I'm just so sorry. But I do know that you will be different, probably stronger, for having endured such suffering. May God and the beautiful children whom you have poured your heart into these many years be your comfort and strength.
ReplyDeleteSarah,
ReplyDeleteI have always loved reading your posts! I think this one is probably the most meaningful to me, however, because I share your feelings. The statement you made, "I loved feeling so naive and trusting and light about life and so sure that there is just common decency and kindness that is owed one another, I miss that with every fiber of my being. So much has been taken from me, so cruelly," is a perfect one. It perfectly sums up the feeling I had years ago when I learned that my husband and a woman who I thought was one of my dearest friends were having an affair, both had filed for divorce to break up their families and be together. At first it was the rejection and the dejected feeling that our family was ruined. Then, it was that feeling of trust that was gone. In the end, it is not that our marriage was taken away from me. It is not that my family was bludgeoned and will never be the same. It is that concept of trust that, even now, 20 years later, is a struggle to summons. Many people believe that hate is the opposite of love, but really, apathy is the opposite of love. I have grown to the point that I really have no feelings about my ex-husband and his wife. I have grown to the point (and really never lost) that my relationship with my children is wonderful and precious just as it always has been. I have grown to the point that the loss of 'our' friends really is no void in my life. However, the loss of that naivety and that trust is not something I naturally have any more. I am much more reserved and stand-offish. I still wonder if that will ever return. Hang in there, girl! There may still be bumps in the road but you have your wheels under you at this point, I think, and you will continue to roll along!
Sarah YOU are beauty in the World.
ReplyDeleteI am so truly sorry for what you have gone through and will still have to go through, but you will come out on the other side of this, well and anew. By Grace we are Saved Through Faith ... xo
Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. Through you sharing your experiences, you are giving others the strength to be honest and vulnerable. It is heartbreaking to learn that you believed in something with your entire heart and mind, and that was all taken away from you with in such a mean-spirited way. You are a beacon of hope and a beautiful light to so many people. You are truly a gift. Thank you for sharing all that you do. xo
ReplyDeleteYou’re doing Gods work blogging about this heartbreak, Sarah. I hope writing helps heal you and gives other women going through the same some support. I’ll be following along and cheering you on every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been reading your blog since my first baby was born. My heart breaks for all you’ve gone through! Asking Mother Mary to wrap your family in her mantle. Thank you for your witness to hope despite all the suffering.
ReplyDelete