This was my view all weekend from my bed fighting off an infection from my final drain site and incision area. Compare it to mastitis but of the leg. My friend sent me a card that says “Damn boobs nothing but trouble” and it made me laugh so hard.
My first failed reconstruction was the “easy” way (still not easy nothing about reconstruction is easy ever) where an expander was put in under my skin where my breast had been removed. This expander slowly gets pumped up over a few weeks so the skin stretches and an implant can be inserted in its place. My body rejected, with a painful infection, the expander mid way through the process and I had to have an emergency surgery to remove it. This was about a month and a half after 5 months of chemo and it really was one of the lowest points of my life, for various reasons.
I needed to recover so I let myself have time and wore a prosthetic breast that I just slipped in my bra. And it wasn’t really that bothersome. Except when it was. It would fall out if I bent over (I never bothered to get the right kind of bra) and that would annoy me so I would just leave it out and set it somewhere. It wasn’t unusual to hear in this household “Has anyone seen my boob anywhere!” or “Hey Mom I found your fake boob in the garage!” It was hot, sticky and annoying.
I found a new surgeon (better for so many reasons a big one being I couldn’t walk back into the old place without major bad memories resurfacing) and we came up with a plan. I was no longer a candidate for the expander - chance of infection was huge again.
There’s this crazy thing they do called flap surgeries (this is all layman’s explanations) where they take skin and fat from one part of your body and transplant that (microsurgery) to your chest wall to make a breast or breasts. Amazing. But not easy. Surgery wise, recovery wise. But there are some advantages - your own skin and fat for once so this is something that lasts forever and carries no risk of an implant if so desired. It’s a multi step process. The big surgery, and the matching/scar fixing surgery.
I had skin and fat from my thighs transplanted, called a DUG flap surgery. Unfortunately, I had complications related to some weird blood vessels I had and had to go back twice that same day to surgery-I was a long long day and a longer stay in the hospital than usual and added factors that have made it a little more gory and painful.
Because of that it's been quite the recovery, with some thick emotions brought about by bad memories, but laughs too, and tons of care from friends and family and kids. I watched this excellent TED talk from a woman who spent years being treated for leukemia and I loved the message. Basically this is life. We don't have to constantly be yearning for perfect health and thriving, successful lives. I can be content where I am at.
That is difficult. I have two little birds on my shoulders. One is chirping this sucks, I don't deserve this, why always is there complications, haven't I been through enough, my body looks butchered, my kids don't deserve this, I am taking time from everyone, cancer has robbed me of so much, it hurts like hell, this is scary, and awful and I hate it all...
And the other little bird chirps, you are lucky to be alive, thank God you have a good doctor, a great prognosis, this surgery is miraculous, the nurses were incredible, the hospital clean and efficient, look at all these friends, and a sister who is a nurse and a helpful mom, and a warm house, and fresh water and your kids are all alive and healthy and what a miracle this is and you have time to recover and scars don't bother you....
And you know what? All of those things are true. All of them.
When we are going through something tough, some days and moments warrant listening to the chirping of the first and feeling those feelings and some days and moments warrant listening to the second little bird and feeling those feelings. I know when I am weak physically the first bird is loud as heck, and as I gain my strength back he shuts up fast and it’s so much easier to lean towards the gratitude and sunshine.
Grace to know that I can take a deep breath and feel, and hope that brings the joy back into life full throttle.
So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. My hard is different than yours but this how I feel with the two chirping birds on my shoulder. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautiful!!! Bless your heart. I can't even imagine, but I wanted to thank you for sharing. Life is hard, and you bring sunshine to so many even during the storms in your own world. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteI love the new look, Sarah! Thank you for sharing the process and everything you are learning, good and bad -- you bless my life every time you write. Love you girl ♥
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty and determination to see the good-even when its hard to find. Please keep writing!
ReplyDeleteI watched an Andy Stanley video this morning about what to do when things are out of your control. You are a person who is influencing people in an amazing way! Thank you
Beautifully written honesty. Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteYou have been through so much, with such grace. What a strong, Godly woman you are. Sending love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah!! I have your bird’s friends on my shoulders. I get you. You made me laugh though—anyone seen my boobs? Haha. Beautifully and powerfully written. You fill the world with so much light. Saying prayers for you for strength!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. I had breast cancer removed a year and a half ago at age 41 and did radiation not chemo. Same birds chirping telling me to be thankful and at the same time same feelings you have with the why me, and the heaviness of a cancer diagnosis. I have read your blog for years and am very sorry you have been thru so much!!
ReplyDeleteSarah - wishing you a very quick recovery. Life happens in curious ways, is all I can say. Sending you lots of prayers.
ReplyDeleteI always love your perspective. Thanks for giving me a great way to look at things for when I go through them too (and we all know everyone has a turn at something like this in one form or another). Big hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI dont know why you've had to suffer so. I agree with others that your grace amidst the pain is inspiring, and for myself, humbling. I appreciate your candor and I admire your appreciation for your life. Praying that soon you will be on the other side of your medical woes. Thank you for thinking of us. You have such a capacity for love.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be so easy (and warranted!) to slip into negative space while going through everything you've been through. You're doing awesome just to be able to see the positive at all! I think of you allllllll the time and pray for you and hope 2021 is a year of peace and health and happiness for you and your beautiful kids. Also, I had to laugh out loud about the misplaced boob, that would so be my life! I hope you get the boobies of your dreams :)
ReplyDeleteSending you peace and love as you heal. G-d is holding you in the palm of his hand. I have really enjoyed your blog and have not often commented over the years so thank you!
ReplyDeleteWhat's that scripture? ...in everything give thanks. So true, and helps with the bad and sad parts. A friend of mine once told me that every time I had pointed out the beautiful autumn colors while she was ranting about her problems, she felt I wasn't listening. Then she stopped and looked at the trees, and she realized that, yes, the colors Were Beautiful. And it helped. So I hope you can continue on, "Being cheerful, come what may" as my grandmother's poem says. (At least now and then!) Best Wishes for better times ahead! I like your flowers on your blog header, very pretty!
ReplyDeleteLove the bird metaphor. So sorry you are having to go through all of this. Your words are very helpful as we are traveling next week from Atlanta to San Diego for my young adult son's surgery to remove a large benign tumor that is pressing on his brain. His prognosis is very good, but he will of course be different on the other end. Hopefully, minimally different. It sucks but we are lucky at the same time. Thank you for sharing this wisdom from your experience. God speed in healing!!!
ReplyDeletePraying for your continued healing. Thank you for using your pain to bless others. You rock! #mighty
ReplyDeleteYou have such a way with words, and no matter the content, I love reading your posts. I have read them for years. I hate all this that you have been going through, but you are so strong, even when you don't feel like you are. I will continue to keep you in my prayers, and keep the faith Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI have read you for years and you have inspired me in so many ways. Our kids are similar ages and at first your Christmas gift recommendations were a helpful source. Then my life got busy and chaotic and a health crisis knocked me down, and there you were offering your own inspiration throughout your everyday life dealing with your journey as a mother with a scary health issue. You made me find an ounce of braveness I didn't know I had. Thank you for so much. I wish your healing to be swift and will pray that your strength for life and motherhood overflow. You are amazing.
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